Wednesday, December 12, 2012

God fills the void

When sara was born and we were just desperate for help, answers, extra hands to hold our children...anything really that was better than the helplessness of our babies' strife we found that many of our friends and even family did not have an extra hand, time, or even the right words in them to give. I thought at the time that I was let down by many of them. I was brought to my knees, violently humbled by the fact that I am not in control. I came to learn that just because you need something, those familiar to you may not have it to give. But somehow God fills the void. For every friend that was too busy to slow down and see our new life, or walk slowly next to me during the frustration and uncertainty of raising a special needs child , there was a new friend...excited to hold my baby girl and praise the good job I was doing getting through the day. For every moment that passed sitting in the rocking chair, tube feeding my sweet, gentle little creature..where I could see the rest of the world cruelly whiz by, continue to speak of trivial TV, eat dinners, paint nails, match their clothes, and even hug their other children..hell whatever little thing I took for granted before....God gave me admiration from others that had chosen to slow down and were able to see me in a new way I hadnt thought I would ever like. They reminded me that patience is a virtue, and my struggle to find it was not a burden, but rather an inspiration. And so I find that everytime I am hurting, and my heart is spewing at its jagged edges, laid out for everyone to see because I cant hide it very well...God fills the void with kindness and love. Just when I think I'm about to fall, I am caught and helped to my feet by the most unsuspecting fans. God fills my voids with new people when unhealthy ones exit. And those new people renew my faith in the prospect of goodness and humanity. I get back what I put out, one way or another..its never as I pictured it, but always enough.

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